1. How I Moved On From A Heartbreak – Part-1: My Journey With Love
2. How I Moved On From A Heartbreak – Part 2: Heartbreak and Sadness
3. How I Moved On From A Heartbreak – Part 3: Forgiveness, Closure and Moving On
4. Top 12 Signs It’s Time To Move On From A Relationship
5. 8 Useful Steps To Move On From A Relationship

Note from Celes: Hey guys! Thanks so much for your beautiful comments, emails and private messages the past few days regarding parts 1 and 2 of the series. Every single one of your messages has brought a warm smile to my face. Due to requests from some readers, I’ve opened up the comments section for this post. Feel free to drop a comment after you’ve finished reading part-3. I’ve love to know your thoughts on this new series.

My Journey in Moving On

© Muffet

Thinking About Him

After we parted ways, I focused on living my life. Staying away from G made it easier to move on. No more confusing signals to throw me off track. No more mind games. No more ambiguity. While I was hurt on the inside, at least now I could focus on the path of recovery rather than be left hanging in the middle of no man’s land. I was sad and disappointed that G was not the one, but I remained hopeful that my special someone was out there and I would meet him someday.

Yet, a part of me still thought about G. This tended to arise in certain moments, such as when I was by myself, when my friends talked about guys/relationships, when I saw couples together, or when I was down. I would think back about the past, and the times we were together. Thinking about him would trigger different emotions. Sweetness and nostalgia from the happy times. Confusion over why exactly he acted that way. Frustration, sadness and disappointment from how things turned out. Regret over what could have been. Anger and hatred for how he dealt with the situation and breaking me on the inside. Over time, these emotions had dried out into numbness.

When I was down or out of sorts though, I would feel an urge to contact him. I remember there was a time in 2006 when my mom was in the ICU after a surgery. It was the worst period of my life – I thought she was going to die and I was going to lose my mom forever. While I was crying my eyes out at the hospital, I wished he was there with me. However, I held myself back from contacting him because I didn’t want him to see me in this state, especially not after what happened between us. Thankfully, my mom recovered a few weeks later.

There was other times when I felt troubled and wished I could seek solace in him. Each time, I stopped myself, reminding that staying away was for the better.

Occasionally he would sms me, to wish me happy birthday, share a festive greeting or on something random. Sometimes I didn’t reply, other times I just responded with a courteous message. I figured talking too much was pointless, since I wanted to draw a clear line from him. I tried to keep communication with him minimal to protect myself.

Living In A Loop

I wasn’t exactly able to maintain the distance with him though. Over the next 3 years between 2006-2008, there were two times when I contacted him. The first time was in 2006,when I just started work and I felt bogged down. The second time was in mid-2008, when I wanted to leave my ex-company to pursue my passion and I was contemplating how to deal the situation. Looking back, these were times when I was less sure than my usual self, when I needed support. It wasn’t surprising he came to mind then, since I saw him as my pillar of support in the past.

Each time I contacted him, we almost immediately clicked like in the past. This was despite not being in close contact for almost a year each time.  None of us mentioned the awkward incidences that led to me breaking away back in school. For the next few months, we quickly grew closer and closer, talking late in the night, emailing, meeting up frequently and just hanging out. And again, he would treat me in the same special way that was more romantic than platonic.

In all honesty, I removed the possibility of us being together when I made the decision to stay away in 2005. I had contacted him because I just wanted to talk to him, not to see if we could be together. Thus, when the whole romantic vs. platonic behavior began, I was skeptical of his intents. I kept him at an emotional distance while enjoying the friendship as it was.

However, as we talked more and went out more often, I thought perhaps things had changed since the last time. Maybe this time, he was serious. Maybe this time, it was real, you know? Maybe by not reciprocating, I was closing myself out in love. With renewed hope and faith, I decided to give this another shot. I began to respond in kind.

Yet after the initial pickup, things reached the exact same point as before. The same point of ambiguity – a friendship-bordering-on-relationship-but-not-a-relationship relationship. I was engulfed with the same confusion and second-guessing. Same questions, same hypotheses, no concrete answers. It was incredulous. I thought it had to be some kind of a joke. It was like living in a loop – repeating the same actions and experiencing the same outcome, again and again. Like the same scene in a play that kept reenacting itself, except it had no ending.

Once again, I was saddened and hurt. When it became obvious nothing was going to change, I broke away – silently this time. They say once bitten, twice shy. And third time is the charm. When this happened the third time in 2008, it finally sunk inside me that nothing was ever coming out of this friendship/relationship. I had given it (the relationship) one too many opportunities to play out and it didn’t.

With a heavy heart, in Dec 2008, I decided to move on for good this time.

(Actually in that month, I experienced 2 huge disappointments – this incident with G, and another about addressing money barriers while pursuing my passion. In Jan ‘09, I wrote about how I overcame the latter disappointment. I didn’t write about G then because I wasn’t ready to. Today, I’m finally ready to do so, having gone through the realizations below that helped me move on.)

Realizations that Helped Me Move On

© harold.lloyd

It took a long while, but I finally moved on 4 years after we first broke away in 2005. The funny thing about these past 4 years is that there were many times when I thought I had moved on during this period, only to find out afterward that I hadn’t. I’m glad to say now that majority, if not all, of this episode is now behind me. For sure, this didn’t happen overnight – it was through little steps, little realizations along the way that enabled me to finally put the past behind me.

Recognizing He Didn’t Want To Be With Me

Regardless of how his actions were romantic vs. platonic, ultimately I realized that if G was really serious about being together with me, he would have taken action long ago. There was no need to dance around at the sidelines, not after all these years too. Not in 2005, not in 2006, and certainly not in 2008. There could be one billion and one reasons why he didn’t take further action but the fact was he chose not to do so. It took me a while to accept this, but when I did I saw things much more objectively.

Realizing He Was Not The One For Me

During the times when we were close, I saw G as my soulmate. So when it turned out nothing was coming out of the friendship/relationship, I found it difficult to see myself with someone else. Even as I went out with other guys, I would often compare them with G. My preset bias made it difficult for guys to measure up against him, so as  a result I turned my back on other guys.

But then I realized if G was my soulmate, these loops wouldn’t be replaying over and over again, each time culminating to the exact same ambiguity. No matter what I did, no matter how I tried to alter the outcome, it always resulted to the same end. To have it happen once was enough – but to have it happen three times, staggered across different time periods – it proved beyond any doubt nothing could come out of this. I kept trying to look beyond but it was a dead end. A dead end. There was nothing beyond. I finally realized that G was not the one for me at all.

Forgiving Him… and Forgiving Myself

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” – Lewis Smedes

Deep down, I hated G for the way he dealt with the situation. I felt he was irresponsible. If he didn’t like me, why did he even say all those things? Why did he keep quiet when I confronted him? Why did he continue on behaving that way even after I told him to stop it?

No matter how I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, a part of me still blamed him for what happened. He had played with my feelings and betrayed this trust. All the promises he made in the past were just empty words. I felt like his pawn in this whole game. I was angry at him. I was resentful.

Beyond that… I was angry at myself. If he was supposedly a jerk, then I was angry I even allowed myself to be fooled by a jerk. If he was irresponsible, I was angry I was blind enough to leave my heart in the hands of an irresponsible person. All in all, I was mad that I had not taken proper care of myself. I let myself get hurt. I had let myself down.

Last year (3 months ago in Dec 2009), I realized if I wanted to truly move on, I needed to forgive him… and myself. I was dragging the past emotional baggage around like a dead carcass all this while, punishing myself. The hate was still inside me. Only by forgiving him, was I forgiving myself.

After I realized this, it took a few seconds of inner resistance before I consciously let go of the hate. The anger. The resentment. When I did, I couldn’t help but smile. I felt lighter immediately, like some invisible weight was lifted. It was liberating.

Letting Him Know the Truth

A closure couldn’t take place if he didn’t even know what had been happening all this while. I thought he deserved to know the full story all these years. I felt I should bring to his awareness the implications of his actions, for his own journey of growth, and for the well-being of whoever is in his life / crosses his life in the future. What he decides to do after that is his choice.

So in same month of Dec ‘09, I wrote a long email to him. For the first time, I shared my thoughts feelings transparently. I wrote about all the key events that happened between us, starting from 2005. From when I liked him, to breaking away, to living in a loop for the few years, to breaking away again in 2008. I told him how I felt he was irresponsible in his communications. I told him how I hated and resented him for what he had done. Finally, I told him I had forgiven him. I was ready to move on.

I didn’t expect him to reply. To be honest, it really didn’t matter at all because the email came from an obligation to let him know the truth of what had been going on, rather than to get an answer. Whether he answered or not, or whatever his answer was, wouldn’t change the fact that I had put this behind me.

If you want to know, he replied within the day, expressing surprise at the contents of the email. He gave his side of the story, saying since we were in university, he really admired me, my passions, courage and my values. He said he also found me to be caring, smart and pretty. Because of that, he really liked spending time with me. Back then, he was unsure of whether to pursue the relationship romantically, but ultimately decided what he really wanted was for us to stay as good friends. He explained I always had a special place, which was why he always treated me exceptionally different from other people. At the end, he apologized for the hurt he had caused me.

His answer helped draw light on the events of the past few years. I replied back, thanking him for the apology and that I had accepted it. I was thankful that the loop was finally broken. #14 of my key highlights for 2009 was actually referring to this.

Living For Myself

© rebecca-lily

The final closure I needed was with myself.

Regardless of the multiple hypotheses I had on why G and I were not together, I had always concluded it was because I wasn’t good enough. If I was good enough, he would have wanted to be with me. While I stopped liking G since a long time ago, the fact that he didn’t want to be with me was a subconscious block. It was no longer about why G and I couldn’t be together. It became an issue with why G didn’t want to be with me. Was it something wrong with me? Was I not good enough to be with? This experience left a huge dent in my self-esteem.

This belief that I wasn’t good enough enveloped me like a quiet shroud. Consciously, I was sure of myself and my capabilities. Subconsciously, I kept thinking I wasn’t good enough, that I was not deserving of love, that I was ugly, fat, unworthy, critical, judgmental, not feminine enough, etc.

Because of that, I went on a marathon to improve myself these past few years. I kept thinking I was not good enough to be with someone. I worked on improving my temper. I cultivated patience. I became a kinder person, putting myself in others’ shoes and to be caring more for them. I tried to lose weight. I tried to be less critical and more encouraging. I tried to be more feminine, dainty, quiet and demure, against my natural demeanor where I was more open, forthcoming and earnest.

While “improving” myself made me feel better, it was just for a short while. I would feel inadequate after a while, being overly self-critical and pinpointing how I could be better. I never seemed to be good enough. It was only a month ago where I questioned myself – What exactly was “good enough” then?

I came up with a list of qualities I thought were “good enough”. Pretty, short, petite, demure, quiet, kind, reactive, feminine, dependent, relenting, etc…. It was then I realized these were the qualities I thought were “good enough” for G, or guys for that matter. What would happen after I acquire these qualities? Would I be together with G? Maybe. Would G be happy? Probably. Would I be happy?

The answer hit me with a quiet “thud“.

No.. I wouldn’t be happy.

It struck me that even if I became a girl that G would like or what I thought G would like, it wouldn’t matter – Because I wouldn’t be happy. I may be good enough for him then, but I wouldn’t be good enough for myself. This isn’t about the specific qualities itself, but the reason behind the desire to change. For what it is worth, that list is probably inaccurate. The point is, I was trying to change to fit into what I thought G or somebody else would like. Changing for that reason wouldn’t have gone anywhere far because I would never be happy that way. If I want to be happy, I myself need to happy, first and foremost.

Recognizing the Relationship Was Just a Mental Illusion

With the realization above, that was when it finally clicked that the relationship between G and me had been a mental illusion all along. Subconsciously, a part of me thought G and I would be together if I turned myself into Person X (with the X list of traits G was looking for). But the truth is, I can never be Person X. More importantly, I don’t want to be Person X. It is not what I see myself evolving into. This is not what I see to be in line with my growth, my life, my destiny.

Since the relationship between G and I can only exist if I’m Person X, in reality this relationship can never exist because I can never be Person X, nor do I want to be Person X.

It was a simple, yet powerful realization. When I realized that, it felt a veil that had been covering me all these years had finally been lifted from my head. I felt the fog around me was gone. I had finally freed myself from the mental shackles I had put on myself to begin with.

End of a Chapter, Beginning of the Next

Looking back, it has been a long journey these past 5 years. A journey filled with happiness, hope, sadness, disappointment, anger, self-doubt, self-hate, and at the end of it, deep revelations, growth, and an all-new self-awareness. I didn’t realize it then, but I had been living under the shadow of this relationship all these years.

Yet, I recognize everything that has happened has helped me become a better person. I’m grateful for that.

I’m glad to have finally gained closure on this and with myself after all these years. I have realized that whenever we refuse to move on, we prevent new things from entering into our life. The ones we are punishing isn’t the other person, but ourselves. When we let go of the past, we are in essence allowing new things to enter into our lives. If you want to attract new possibilities, you need to first release the old baggage you are hanging on to.

Right now, some of you may be in an ambiguous relationship and not know what to do. Some of you may be in broken relationships. Some of you may be thinking of whether to return to a past relationship which didn’t end off well. Some of you may be trying to move on from an unhappy past relationship.

Many of us are usually not aware when they should be moving on – I was in this exact same situation. In 3 days time, I’ll be sharing part-4 of the series, on the Top 12 Signs It’s Time To Move On From A Relationship. It’s over 3,000 words long – I’ve spent deep thought writing this and I hope it will help you find out if it’s time for you to move on in your relationship.

Meanwhile, if you have any comments to share about the series thus far, I’ll love to hear them in the comments area below. Thanks for all your warm messages and feedback everyone – I really appreciate it! If you like the series/articles so far, it’ll really be great if you can help to retweet it (link available at the end of every post) and share with others on facebook, so they can benefit from it too. Thank you – that will make my day!

1. How I Moved On From A Heartbreak – Part-1: My Journey With Love
2. How I Moved On From A Heartbreak – Part 2: Heartbreak and Sadness
   
3. How I Moved On From A Heartbreak – Part 3: Forgiveness, Closure and Moving On
   
4. Top 12 Signs It’s Time To Move On From A Relationship
5. 8 Useful Steps To Move On From A Relationship

A Standstill

© Antediluvial

The strange thing was, while G constantly hinted his interest in me, nothing ever happened beyond that. For several months, we treaded on the very thin line that segmented close friends from a couple. Many of our coursemates thought we were a couple because we were so close. For what it was worth, I subconsciously thought so too, just that it wasn’t officialized.

I never took any overt action because I belonged to the old school thinking when it came to love. I didn’t think I should initiate anything if it was socially recognized that guys should take the lead. I guess more importantly, I wanted to protect my pride.

However, the lack of progress on the situation baffled and frustrated me. I asked myself: “Why isn’t he doing anything? What is stopping him? What exactly is he waiting for?”

An Earnest Confession

Not one to hang around with no end in sight, I finally decided to take a step forward. By then, we were 3rd year students and knew each other for 3 semesters. I was about to graduate soon, and if nothing happened we would be off in our separate paths. Since his behavior clearly indicated interest in me, I figured there was nothing to lose.

So, one day after school, we were walking in the campus alone. I mustered my courage and indirectly told him I liked him. Then, I waited for his response with abated breath.

What happened next left me completely bewildered. He didn’t say anything. No reply, nothing. It was totally unlike him at all. In my heart, I panicked. In a bid to do damage control, I said something to cover up the silence, something about how I liked him because I thought he liked me, and if he didn’t like me then it was okay and it didn’t matter. He didn’t reply to that either. I forgot what happened next, but the conversation suddenly went into a different tangent, about the future, life after school, etc. In that hour long conversation, he was back to his usual self, but he never addressed any of my earlier comments about liking him. Neither did he clarify whether he liked me or not.

At the end of the day, he sent me off at the bus stop, where I boarded my usual bus. In that 45 minute bus journey home, I was left in a state of confusion, shock and disappointment.

Confusion

Seriously, I didn’t know what to make out of it. So did he like me? If he did why didn’t he say anything? Maybe he didn’t like me. But wait – how could that be? There were clear signs he liked me, such as how he treated me, the things he said to me, and most important of all, our common friend’s confirmation. If this wasn’t interest, what was?

I was very confused. Very, very confused. I went over our experiences together and analyzed them one by one. I thought of all the possibilities behind his non-response. Maybe he liked me but he didn’t know how to take it forward? Maybe he was held back by reasons I was not privy to. Maybe I was wrong all along and he never did like me! Maybe… maybe he already liked someone else? Maybe he thought I was not good enough for him. Maybe I was not his type of girl. Maybe he was looking for a Christian (he was a devoted Christian) and I wasn’t. Hey, maybe he was being an asshole and he was leading me all this while to cheat my feelings. Maybe this was just his game and I was a toy in it.

Maybe… maybe… maybe. 1,001 maybes went through my head. Each was a possibility. Yet at the end of it, all I had were maybes. There were no concrete answers to unravel my confusion.

Heartbreak

© bored-now

You know, all along I had thought the word “heartbreak” was just a metaphor to describe deep sadness. I didn’t realize it was an actual descriptor.

For the first time, I felt my heart, break. Here was the guy who promised me he would never let me get hurt, who said he would earn my trust, who said he would always be there for me, whom I trusted with all my heart. He turned out to be the same guy who hurt me the most. My heart felt like it had cracked and broken into different pieces. I felt both emotional pain and physical pain in my heart.

Many people knew me as a strong girl, independent, fearless, who wasn’t daunted by anything. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to be unaffected despite what happened. No pity parties, no sob stories. I was no sap. I wanted to stand up tall and overcome whatever was before me. And for the most part, I did. On the outside, I dealt with it very well, appearing unfazed. I seemingly moved on with little downtime.

But inside me, was a little girl: small, vulnerable, angry and hurt. I was crushed. As much as I tried to be strong, I couldn’t stop myself from crying. I had opened myself up to this guy, trusted him, fell for him, and this happened. I thought I at least deserved an explanation for what was going on. But I didn’t even get that. All I had were questions, a bunch of hypotheses, and no answers. I felt like some kind of fool, like I had been played around with. I felt worthless, like a piece of shit.

G was such a great guy. Ultimately, I recognized he had the opportunity to express his feelings but he didn’t. Either he didn’t like me or he didn’t like me enough to want to bring it forward. It was as simple as that. I thought maybe he didn’t like me because I wasn’t attractive, because I was tall and most guys preferred shorter girls, that I was too critical, that I was not feminine, that I was not well-tempered, that I was too forthright as a person, and a whole list of other shortcomings about me. I concluded that if he didn’t like me, it was because I wasn’t good enough.

Trying To Move On

Not wanting to be a loser who hung on even when the other person was not interested, I decided to let him go and start afresh. I stopped thinking of him as a romantic partner, saw him as just a good friend, and decided to continue this friendship with this new understanding. Having undergone a rollercoaster of emotions the past week, I thought it was the end of this episode.

Except it wasn’t. After the fateful day, he continued to behave like it was more than a friendship. I couldn’t fathom why he was still doing it if he didn’t like me. I mean, what the heck was wrong with him? First I gave him the chance to express his interest, and he didn’t. Then as I was trying to move on, there he was, preventing me from doing so. Was he having fun screwing around with my mind?

I confronted him about his behavior a few times. Whenever he did it, I told him to “Stop it” or asked “Why are you saying/doing this?”. Each time, he either feigned ignorance or kept quiet. And the same behavior continued afterward.

I hated him for doing this. Either he treated this like a proper friendship or moved it forward into a relationship. I couldn’t live in this ambiguity. I felt he was irresponsible in his actions and his words. Deep down, I resented him for that.

Deciding To Stay Away From Him

Since it didn’t seem he was going to stop his odd behavior, I decided to stay away from him. It was time to start my life on a fresh note. At the end of 2005, I told him we should reduce contact for the aforementioned reasons. Again, he kept quiet. I took that as an affirmation.

So in our next semester (also my last semester in school), we didn’t take any classes together. We barely saw each other and our communication was at a minimum. I continued to do well in my last semester of studies and graduated from university. After that, I had a few months break before I started my job in my ex-company. He continued with his final year in school, proceeding to work after that.

I had entered university full of hope and enthusiasm in 2003, thinking I might meet my special someone there. I never expected to have my heart broken instead. A part of me was filled with wistfulness, melancholy and sadness. I thought graduation represented a final closure to this chapter. I thought I could finally make a clean cut and finally put all this behind me.

As it turned out, moving on wasn’t as easy as I thought. It would take 4 years and several inner realizations before I finally gained the closure I needed to properly move on.

This is part-2 of a new 5-part series on Moving On From Relationships. Continue on to Part-3: Forgiveness, Closure and Moving On.

My Journey With Love

© dev null

Today’s entry is going to be my deepest sharing here to date. All along, I have shared many personal stories such as past disappointment, past emotional stinginess, my period of slump, parting ways with my best friend of 10 years, etc. Today, I’m opening up to you in a way I have never done so before. I’m letting you in on a secret side of me, a side I only unveil to my closest friends.

I’m not sure if you have noticed, but I barely discuss my love life  here. It’s a part of me I have zealously kept safeguarded all this while. Out of my 140 entries, I have covered on almost every topic but love (save for 1 entry I wrote on 2009 Valentine’s Day on singlehood.)

However, this changes today as I share this with you, lock, stock and barrel. The truth is, my journey in love has not been smooth. There was a guy I liked 5 years ago, whom I’d refer to as G. G was the first guy I really liked. However, things did not work out and I had my heart broken for the first time in my life. For the next few years, I was subconsciously held back by this experience. It was in the past 1 year where I finally cleared off this baggage, healed my inner wound and liberated myself from the past.

I’ve been meaning to write about this and now I feel the time has come. I’m sharing this because I know there is at least one of you out there who will benefit from it. As you read this, I sincerely hope you can take away something for yourself.

This unveils the delicate and softer side of me, different from the usual go-getter Celes you associate with. But it’s me all the same – a me that has always been there, but you haven’t known about till today .

Seeking My Soulmate

I have always been the die-hard romantic since young. Whether it was watching shows, dramas or playing games, I always enjoyed the love stories the most. I would relish in witnessing the characters meet each other, fall in love with each other and overcome trials and tribulations to be together. The main lead would always have a special someone – a soulmate, who held out for him/her, who was steadfast in his feelings and would give it all for person he/she loves. Their love stories would always pan out to happy endings. It was always a beautiful experience watching this unfold.

Other than experience love vicariously through these shows and games, I wanted to find my soulmate, the special someone whom I could connect with. While I’ve always been the strong, independent girl, there has always been a part of me who wants to be loved, protected and cared for. As I was growing up, I was not able to find this guy who matched what I was looking for. I was in a couple of relationships which lasted just a few weeks, and that was about it. I met new guys and occasionally went on dates, but I wasn’t interested in them.

Yet, I remained ever hopeful that my soulmate was out there and I would meet him in time to come.

Knowing G

I think it was during my 2nd year in university, 2004, when I first met G. I was 20 then. We had a couple of classes together and ended up as project mates in one of them. Many of my first few encounters with him were hazy. What I distinctly recall was I totally did not consider him a potential romantic interest. This was such an irony on hindsight.

Our friendship started like any other. We worked together in projects and met in classes. We occasionally ran into each other on the campus. When we did, we would hang out to chat, getting to know each other in the process. Because of our positive experience working together, we arranged to take more modules together in the next semester.

Getting Closer

© bigoteetoe

During the next semester, with 3 of 5 modules together, we saw each other more frequently. We would always sit next to each other in class. During class, we would write and pass notes to each other; notes which were sometimes relevant to the class and many times, not. Outside of class, we would meet up for project work. A large portion of our time on campus was spent with each other. When we were out of campus, we would be in contact via email, sms or chat. Our friendship gradually evolved from one of normal friends, to good friends, to very good friends.

As I got to know him better, I was very impressed by him. He was very smart and capable, easily one of the smartest person I knew then. He was reputed among teachers and students alike for his top results. We clicked intellectually, in a way I couldn’t with others. For his abilities and achievements, he was amazingly humble. He never spoke about them until he was asked, and even then he wouldn’t talk much. His kindness also won me over. He had a heart of gold. I never once remembered him expressing negative intent of any sort towards anyone.

To top it off, G would treat me in a special way. He was very sweet to me. He would always be carrying my stuff for me, rain or shine, whether it was my books or my laptop. When I was down and out, he was there with me, listening and supporting in a quiet manner. There were several incidences when I felt frustrated, and he would be patiently hearing me out. I was moved by his patience and kindness. I began to open up to him more and more.

Developing Feelings

G’s behavior toward me was beyond just “good friends”. There was something about the things he did, the words he said, his behavior around me. I definitely knew the difference between behavior that was nice and behavior that was romantic. I had several very good guy friends and their actions toward me could be described as “nice” and “caring”, but definitely not romantic. G’s actions and words toward me were clearly more romantic than platonic, and different from how he acted toward other girls too. When we talked, he hinted about liking me, saying things such as how he liked looking at me, how I was “his Celes”, that he felt “jealous” when I mentioned other guys, and the like. Whenever we were together, I could feel his attention was focused on me, to the extent it made me feel weird. He made promises, such as to respond to any communication from me within 24 hours, no matter how busy he was. He said no matter what happened, he would never let me get hurt. And so on.

Because of that, I thought G liked me. I talked about him with several of my close friends, both girls and guys, and they unanimously agreed. This hypothesis was sealed when a trusted friend between me and G confirmed that.

To be honest, I was really flattered. I thought G was an incredible person. I really felt he was. For him to like me – I didn’t even know what exactly he saw in me. I had never tried to hide myself when I was with him. As a result, he had seen some of my worst sides, some of which I wasn’t exactly proud of. I was boisterous, hot-headed, blunt, inconsiderate, self-centered, critical and judgmental. He, on the other hand, was kind, caring, smart, capable, calm, composed, charismatic, patient, gentlemanly, sweet – the list could go on and on.

Yet at the same time, I felt we were very compatible. While I was the Type A, fiery and go-getter girl, he was the calm and cool-headed dude who balanced me off. We were both driven and competent in our own rights, always setting goals and achieving them. We were both accomplished individuals, be it in academics or otherwise. In University, we were Dean Listers, actively involved in inter-school competitions/activities, often invited to exclusive event for top students and had our futures sealed with top companies. He was pretty much what I was looking for – in many ways, more.

I thought I had finally found my soulmate and began to fall for him. I thought I could finally start writing my love story. Little did I expect I was in for a heartbreak later on.

This is part-1 of a new 5-part series on Moving On From Relationships. Continue on to Part-2: Heartbreak and Sadness.

I have been featured in Simply Her magazine February and March issues! For non-Singaporean readers, Simply Her magazine is a consumer lifestyle guide in Singapore. It offers practical solutions on everything that interests the modern, working women, with practical solutions on home, career, family, consumer, health, fashion, beauty, travel and self-empowerment.

I was approached by the editors a few months ago to provide advice to their readers on how to develop positive thinking (Feb issue) and quick tips to manage your health (Mar issue). Check out the full articles below . Thanks Justina and Madeline for this opportunity!

March Issue: Me Management – Cheat Sheet for Your Heath

February Issue: Look On The Bright Side

For my other media coverages, check out the Media section

Imagine this. You are in a good mood today. There’s something you are really happy about and you decide to tell your friend to share the excitement. However, your friend listens mainly in nonchalance while you are gushing away. Worse still, he/she starts giving his/her 2 cents about how it’s not really not that great. Talk about a wet blanket! Before you know it, your mood has done a 180 degree switch from happy to one of annoyance and irritation.

Does this sound familiar? This is a typical behavior of critical people. Critical people can be real downers, just like energy vampires. No matter what you say, they always find some way to derail the mood of the conversation. You can’t ever remember when’s the last time they ever gave a compliment or encouragement. They have an uncanny ability to scrutinize and zoom into every little problem there is. Following which, they fixate on these issues and offer unwanted opinions on them. If that’s not enough, they top it off with their projection of all the possible bad things that can happen.

In my article on Are You Emotionally Generous?, I shared why we should be cut out the emotional stinginess and why emotional generosity is the way to go. Critical people are emotionally stingy, because they are so bent on harping on ”flaws” and what’s not there. They seem to have an automatic filter which mentally blocks out whatever goodness before them. Rather than give praise, they can only criticize.

8 Helpful Ways To Deal With Critical People

Naturally, critical people aren’t the first people you’d think of hanging out with. While you can try to get out of their way, you are bound to run into one or two of them in school or at work. Here are my 8 handy ways to handle them:

1. Don’t Take It Personally

Most of the times, their criticisms reflect more about themselves than about you. They react in this manner because of certain beliefs and frameworks they have about life. You may think the critical person is all out to get you, but it’s more likely he/she reacts in this same manner toward everyone else too.

Here’s one simple way to check – Think about the common friends you have with the critical person. If possible, identify people of the same standing as you, so it’s comparable. After this, try to be present the next time they are with each other and observe how the critical person interacts with him/her. How does the critical person behave? Does he/she give the same pattern of comments? Does he/she focus on the negative things? Does he/she come across as critical? Chances are high that it’s going to be a yes.

Last time, I used to take a critical friend’s comments to heart. I’d wonder why she was always so discouraging, and would feel defensive when she voiced out with her unwelcomed criticism. However, when I observed her treatment of our common friends, I realized she did this with the others too. Same comments, same criticisms, same hang-ups with them, even though I never saw anything wrong with our common friends. Not only that, there was a trend in what she said and harped on. It was then I realized it wasn’t about me; it was her inner frameworks. It was a liberating realization. From there on, I no longer took anything she said personally and was able to objectify the situation.

2. Understand Their Real Intentions

Sometimes, I feel critical people are just misunderstood. They may just trying to offer an opinion but it becomes misinterpreted due to their lack of tact. At times this swirls into a big misunderstanding. They become labeled as *ssholes even though they really aren’t trying to be.

Unfortunately, people become hung up over “how” communication is done (the words used, the tone of communication), rather than “what” is being communicated (the message). The former ensures the message is conveyed correctly, but ultimately it is the message that matters. Critical people may be curt, but we are the ones who choose to attach the negativity to their words. Critical people may lack tact, but that’s because they lack awareness of how their behavior implicate others. You may be surprised, but sometimes they are really just clueless on how they are coming across until they see themselves in action. If you are taking their comments negatively when they don’t intend to be negative at all, that’s probably the worst way to expend your energy.

Filter through their words (more importantly, your interpretations of their words) and get down to the real message. What are they trying to communicate? Why are they saying these? What are their intentions? Are they really trying to be *ssholes or is it a different intention? Behind their words may lie great insights. If you can get past the “how” and get down to the “what“, you gain access to valuable feedback for improvement. Two power things occur here – Firstly, you are a step ahead in your journey of conscious living because you are no longer behaving in a reactive manner. Secondly, you are literally more knowledgeable now you know the real intent of their feedback. This can be constructively used in your journey of self-improvement. Neither of these can happen if you are hung up over the criticism.

The previous company I worked at is an American MNC, so the communication was often direct and to the point. There were times when people would be overly curt and blunt, especially when caught in pressing situations and tight timelines. One of the general managers was well known for his fiery temper, lashing out with verbal attacks and swearing at people when things were not going well. While some might gasp at this behavior, there is really no reason to take offense, because that’s just how he chooses to communicate. Of course it’d be ideal if everyone communicates in a sociably tactful manner, but ultimately you can’t change how others act. You can however, change how you perceive something. What really matters is the message the person is trying to convey, more than what exactly is being said.

Needless to say, the ones who chose to take comments in negative light put themselves through unnecessary unhappiness; The ones who sieved through the words and got to the essence of the message were able to improve based on the feedback. My past experience has made me a more perceptive person because rather than focus on exact words being said, I listen to what the person is communicating. The ability to actively “listen” beyond words is a critical skill (no pun intended) for all of us in connecting and building strong relationships.

3. Take It as a Source of Honest Feedback

Honesty can never be underrated. Take their criticisms as a source of reliable, honest feedback, rather than seeing them as uninvited criticisms. At least with them, you know what you see is what you get. I would much rather be out with a directly blunt person than with someone is seemingly nice but is fake. Some people pretend to be nice and supportive in front of you, when in actuality they are not in agreement and they are just concealing their misgivings. I’ve come across a couple of such people, and while the friendship initially starts off on a high note, the revelation of their dishonesty later on disgusts me to no end and puts an abrupt end to the friendship. On the other hand, I have friends who may be uncomfortably blunt when I first know them, but later reveal themselves to be true gems because they are reliable and true to their words.

4. Address Your Discomfort Within

Just as their criticisms reflect something about their inner frameworks, our discomfort with their criticisms reflect something about our inner frameworks too, especially if we are bothered about it. If I ever feel uncomfortable about others’ comments, I’ll look within to understand why I’m feeling that way. Chances are, it made me uncomfortable because it has struck a chord with an inner belief. The next step is then on me to discover what it is. This is consistent with everything we face in life too. Sources of discomfort should be seen as a compass for growth. As I shared in one of my quotes in 101 Inspiring Quotes, “Fear, uncertainty and discomfort are your compasses toward growth”.

Ask yourself – Why am I feeling uncomfortable with his/her comment? Why am I unhappy about what he/she just said? What is it about it that is bothering me? Keep asking and drilling down to the root cause. The first set of answers will be directed towards the external world, such as issues with the other person. However, as you keep drilling down, the answers change from outward-directed to inward-directed. This means the discomfort is not because of the person; it’s really because of something in you. It could be a certain belief or a certain similar situation from the past. The final answer should be one which helps you gain closure on your discomfort and helps you to directly act on the situation by your own actions, without expecting anyone else to change.

5. Don’t “Ask” For Their Opinions If You Can’t Take It

If you can’t take what the person has to say, then don’t ask for his/her opinion. This includes invitations for opinions, by virtue of just talking on the topic. Critical people like to dispense their opinions even where they are not asked, so just make sure you don’t mention it in front of them.

Some of my friends would complain about how their critical friends put them down all the time. Yet for some reason, they keep putting themselves in the receiving end of criticisms after that. In a way it’s probably done subconsciously for validation and acceptance, simply because it’s so hard to get encouragement from critical people.

However, the natural reaction of critical people is to criticize, not praise. So if you talk to them about something in hopes they will respond in enthusiasm and encouragement, stop doing it. You have seen their critical behavior in action before, so it shouldn’t surprise you if they continue to dish out criticisms at what you say. Albert Einstein would tell you that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is the definition of insanity, and he’s right. If you still insist on putting yourself in the same situation, then you really have no one else to blame but yourself!

6. Ignore Their Comments

Below is an insightful story I’ve heard several times before, but never grow tire of:

Buddha was well known for his ability to respond to evil with good.  There was a man who knew about his reputation and he traveled miles and miles and miles to test Buddha. When he arrived and stood before Buddha, he verbally abused him constantly, he insulted him, he challenged him, he did everything he could to offend Buddha.

Buddha was unmoved, he simply turned to the man and said, “May I ask you a question?”

The man responded with “Well, what?”

Buddha said, “If someone offers you a gift and you decline to accept it to whom then does it belong?”

The man said, “Then it belongs to the person who offered it”

Buddha smiled, “That is correct.  So if I decline to accept your abuse does it not then still belong to you?”

The man was speechless and walked away.

If you can’t stop them from voicing their opinions, then you have an option of ignoring him. Just as the critical people need to take responsibility for their comments, we have to take responsibility for receiving the negativity too. With every occurrence, there is always the event itself, and our perception of the event. We can’t change how people want to act or say around us, but we can change how we act around them. You always have a choice in how you want to react. If you don’t want to accept the negativity, then just don’t accept it.

7. Show Them Kindness

This may be a huge leap forward for some. You are probably wondering: “Why should I be kind to them? They are causing me so much anguish as it is. They most certainly don’t deserve me my kindness!”

I watched Peaceful Warrior about half a year ago, and there was a quote I really liked. “The people who are the hardest to love are the ones who need it the most.” I thought this is a very powerful quote. It’s true, isn’t it? If you think about it, why are the critical people so critical? Why is it so hard for them to be positive? Why are they so scarce with their emotions? It’s because they lack it themselves. This is why they are not able to offer it to others. And if they are so critical to others, chances are they treat themselves with the same, if not higher, level of criticalness. They aren’t even giving themselves the love they desire.

Treat them with kindness. Drop them a compliment. Give them a smile. Say hi. Ask them out for a meal. Help them out in areas you know they can benefit from your help. Get to know them personally. Don’t judge the effectiveness of  your actions by their initial reactions.They may react adversely at first, but that’s because they are caught off guard by your behavior. Likelihood is, they are wary because they have rarely been treated in this manner. Just continue on with your kindness, and soon enough they will react with positivity too. While the effects may not be immediate and it may just be a small improvement in your eyes, in their universe it’s a huge shift. And through time, your relationship with the person will evolve into a different one altogether.

I wouldn’t recommend responding to critical people with criticism because it’s just going to drain both of you. Imagine going into a 1-1 fist fight with someone who is heavily decked with ammunition and armor. A critical person will naturally have a barrier erected and all ready to lash out verbal attacks where needed. Trying to initiate an attack will just leave both of you heavily wounded at the end. Not to mention, create a big dent in the relationship too.

8. Avoid Them

Where all else fails, simply avoid them altogether. Reduce contact, limit conversations with him/her, hang out with others if it’s a group outing, or as a last resort - cut him/her out of your life. Even if both of you are from the same team and in the same workplace, you can’t be working with each other 24/7. Use a combination of all 7 approaches above in the times you absolutely have to interact, then just steer clear of him/her during the other times.

I have a friend who is particularly critical. Being around her feels suffocating. No matter what I talk about, she’d have a way to add a negative slant. For example, if I’m sharing about something I’m excited over, she’d reply with some lackluster comment, about how it’s not such a big deal or it’s just normal. In our day-to-day conversations, she barely has anything encouraging or positive to say, choosing to focus on the “bad” things. Even when it comes to seeking solace, it’s hard to get an empathetic response. Half the time, I feel like I need to ready myself for a negative comment. Because of this, she has been repelling her friends, including me, over the years. Sometimes it may just be that both of you are not compatible as friends at this phase of your lives, and that both of you are better off apart from each other. If the relationship is causing you anguish, then do yourself and the person a favor by breaking it off.

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone! In conjunction with V-day, I have decided to cover the topic of Singlehood and Dating in the first episode of The Celes Show. And it’s finally up! Check it out here: EP1: Singlehood and Dating.  I had lots of fun doing this episode and really look forward to more to come. Feel free to share your feedback in the comments area!